It was the fall of 1988 when I arrived at the University of Puget Sound (UPS) as a freshman. I was enrolled in CS161 for the first semester. Oh, what an electronic playland I had in the Vax. (Well, not really . . . those were the days before UPS was on Internet.) Anyway, I lived in Langlow House, and I became friends with one of the girls that lived there. We’ll call her Ann. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

One morning, a group of my housemates — including Ann — went to breakfast at the glorious SUB. The story goes that Ann was making a piece of toast on the SUB’s big rotary toaster, called “The Toast King”. This was the type of device where you slap your toast on the little conveyor belt and watch it slowly disappear into the firey cauldrons beyond that which is visble to mere mortals; the bread then reappears, transformed into a magnificent piece of burnt or under-done toast. At any rate, while Ann was waiting patiently for her bread to toast, she was approached by one very suave member of the male species. This self-proclaimed man-of-every-women’s-dreams swooshed in from nowhere and before Ann knew it, he hit on her in a big way. Ann was completely repulsed!

The SUB toaster! Of all the places to be hit on, Ann had the great fortune of having it happen to her in front of “The Toast King.” She relayed this harrowing experience to us, and we were all quite amused. We decided to name this manly man-of-every-women’s-dreams “The Toast King” — suggesting that the SUB toaster was his own special stomping ground for picking up women — the best-of-the-best, the cream-of-the-crop, the butter-on-the-bread (or toast, as it may be!).

At any rate, the nickname was catchy, I thought. As a joke, I decided to adopt it as my “process name” on the UPS Vax computer, and it stuck. Now, you must realize that my actions are in no way inspired by the original owner of this nickname. That is to say, that I don’t — and didn’t — spend my lonely Friday and Saturday evenings hovering about the SUB toaster. I took the name because it was catchy. Honest.

And thus, the tale of “The Toast King” has been told.

Postscript:

“The Toast King” toaster has since been retired from operation in the SUB, but its memory lives on in the minds of those persons who experienced the crafty tactics of the man-of-every-women’s-dreams, and in the minds of those persons who know of this legend. The unit pictured at right is a Hatco “Toast King” toaster (still manufactured today) similar to the one that is the subject of this story.